Galaxies Far, Far Away
by Brachylagus-fandom
Summary: Hermione Granger was a nerd because Dan Granger was a nerd. It only made sense that Star Wars was regarded as mandatory viewing.
1. A New Hope, A New Beginning

It had started, of course, with the ride home. It took Dan the entirety of five minutes to realize Harry hadn't gotten any of his Star Wars in-jokes because he hadn't seen Star Wars. In Dan's mind, this was a problem in immediate need of correction.

The first Saturday of summer break saw a group of eleven and twelve year olds sitting in the Grangers' living room, preparing to watch this "New Hope" Dan was ranting about. Hermione and Dean were grinning at the looks of awe as the first credits rolled.

 _It is a period of civil war. Rebel spaceships, striking from a hidden base, have won their first victory against the evil Galactic Empire. During the battle, Rebel spies managed to steal secret plans to the Empire's weapon, the DEATH STAR, an armored space station with enough power to destroy an entire planet. During the battle, Rebel spies managed to steal secret  
plans to the Empire's ultimate weapon, the DEATH STAR, an armored space station with enough power to destroy an entire planet. Pursued by the Empire's sinister agents, Princess Leia races home aboard her starship, custodian of the stolen plans that can save her people and restore freedom to the galaxy… _

"Spaceship…"

"I'm guessing he's the bad guy?"

"Yep."

"And she's important?"

"Very."

"As are the robots?"

"Droids. They're called droids."

"And here's our everyday hero!"

"Yep."

"The Call to Adventure."

"Of course."

"Our mentor."

"Ooh, he's hot!"

"Han's like thirty!"

"Doesn't change the fact he's hot."

"Don't you find it a bit troubling that they're employing a smuggler for this?"

"Not really."

"Alderaan's gone!"

"Yes. We know."

"Luke, why do you have the stupid hat on?"

"Well, it worked. Sort of."

"They're not dead!"

"And they're off!"

"But Obi's dead."

"So? Rebel fighters!"

"Han's back!"

"The Death Star's gone!"

"And they all lived happily ever after. Until next week."


	2. Empires Tend to Strike Back

_It is a dark time for the Rebellion. Although the Death Star has been destroyed, Imperial troops have driven the Rebel forces from their hidden base and pursued them across the galaxy. Evading the dreaded Imperial Starfleet, a group of freedom fighters led by Luke Skywalker has established a new secret base on the remote ice world of Hoth. The evil lord Darth Vader, obsessed with finding young Skywalker, has dispatched thousands of remote probes into  
the far reaches of space… _

"Okay, so this is the sequel?"

"Yes."

"How long since then?"

"Three years."

"Where are they?"

"Hoth."

"This is bad, isn't it?"

"No, it's completely fine for Luke to be unconscious in negative twenty degree weather next to an enemy probe. Of course this is bad!"

"Would this work?"

"Maybe."

"Will Luke be alright?"

"This is the second movie in a trilogy. What does that tell you?

"Aww, they're sweet together."

"Lavender, you're weird."

"Oh no. This is bad."

"Not that bad."

"I assume that thing is Yoda?"

"Assumed right, you has."

"This is weird."

"This is creepy."

"Aww, a kiss!"

"Goddammit, Lando! They trusted you!"

"Oh come on!"

"Holy shit."

"Okay, next time we'll do the prequel trilogy, as it flashes back to Vader's past."


	3. There's a Phantom Menace

_Turmoil has engulfed the Galactic Republic. The taxation of trade routes to outlying star systems is in dispute. Hoping to resolve the matter with a blockade of deadly battleships, the greedy Trade Federation has stopped all shipping to the small planet of Naboo. While the Congress of the Republic endlessly debates this alarming chain of events, the Supreme Chancellor has secretly dispatched two Jedi Knights, the guardians of peace and justice in the galaxy, to settle the conflict..._

"So this happens before the others?"

"Yes."

"This is weird."

"I know. The prequels are not the epitome of Star Wars, but it makes more sense to see them and then 6, which ties everything together."

"And now there's action."

"Aww, he's cute."

"You think Jar Jar Binks is cute?"

"Yes. Why?"

"I am officially abandoning you."

"What does this have to do with Star Wars?"

"Wait a bit."

"Okay, why is this a Star Wars film?"

"That little kid is Anakin Skywalker."

"Anakin?"

"Luke's father."

"Oh."

"Why are we back with the pointless conflict?"

"So Jar Jar can die."

"Why?"

"Because he lives long enough to become a nuisance."

"Technically, Qui-Gon is the red shirt."

"Red shirt?"

"Okay, I'm going to tell Dad to put Star Trek on the list."

"And it's over. Is the next one better?"

"Spoilers."


	4. Clones' Attack

_There is unrest in the Galactic Senate. Several thousand solar systems have declared their intentions to leave the Republic. This separatist movement, under the leadership of the mysterious Count Dooku, has made it difficult for the limited number of Jedi Knights to maintain peace and order in the galaxy. Senator Amidala, the former Queen of Naboo, is returning to the Galactic Senate to vote on the critical issue of creating an ARMY OF THE REPUBLIC to assist the overwhelmed Jedi…_

"I thought this one would be better!"

"There is one good one in front of us. It's just not a prequel."

"Anakin's grown up."

"This is stupid."

"We know."

"And look, the flat female character still survives!"

"She has to live; she's Luke's mother."

"Why was Luke on a desert planet?"

"Revenge of the Sith."

"Why isn't she is the good ones?"

"Revenge of the Sith."

"Jar Jar? Really?"

"Is this dude related to Boba Fett?"

"I think so."

"Oh, that's sad."

"Oh, that's really bad."

"Is a dead guy telling Anakin to stop?"

"Yep."

"And war! Yay!"

"Happy ending!"


	5. Sith's Revenge

_War! The Republic is crumbling under attacks by the ruthless Sith Lord, Count Dooku. There are heroes on both sides. Evil is everywhere. In a stunning move, the fiendish droid leader, General Grievous, has swept into the Republic capital and kidnapped Chancellor Palpatine, leader of the Galactic Senate. As the Separatist Droid Army attempts to flee the besieged capital with their valuable hostage, two Jedi Knights lead a desperate mission to rescue the captive Chancellor…_

"Seriously? Fire?"

"Yep."

"Is Palpatine evil?"

"Maybe."

"Grievous?"

"Jedi Council?"

"Can we stop now?"

"No. We're seeing this to the end."

"This is dumb."

"Anakin's not evil yet!"

"Now he is."

"Oh, now he's dead."

"Palpatine is evil!"

"And Anakin's evil."

"And Obi's convinced of the fact."

"So that's why he's in a suit?"

"Yep."

"Oh look! The bland female lead is dead!"

"And we're back where we started."


	6. Jedi Return

_Luke Skywalker has returned to his home planet of Tatooine in an attempt to rescue his friend Han Solo from the clutches of the vile gangster Jabba the Hutt. Little does Luke know that the GALACTIC EMPIRE has secretly begun construction on a new armored space station even more powerful than the first dreaded Death Star. When completed, this ultimate weapon will spell certain doom for the small band of rebels struggling to restore freedom to the galaxy…_

"Palpatine is still alive?"

"No major character dies in this saga."

"That didn't work."

"Please tell me the overgrown slug gets it."

"Spoilers."

"Is she dead?"

"Yes."

"Is that Leia?"

"Yes."

"Well, that didn't work."

"Go Luke!"

"Nevermind."

"Boba's dead!"

"Jabba's dead!"

" _Now_ you remember."

"Forest world!"

"Aww, they're cute!"

"And deadly…"

"Luke is too nice for his own good."

"No. He's not going to become Darth Vader, so it's good."

"And Vader's dead."

"And it's over. The Galaxy's at peace."

"For now. Another's coming out in a year, apparently."


	7. Awakening Force

_Luke Skywalker has vanished. In his absence, the sinister FIRST ORDER has risen from the ashes of the Empire and will not rest until Skywalker, the last Jedi, has been destroyed. With the support of the REPUBLIC, General Leia Organa leads a brave RESISTANCE. She is desperate to find her brother Luke and gain his help in restoring peace and justice to the galaxy. Leia has sent her most daring pilot on a secret mission to Jakku, where an old ally has discovered a clue to Luke's whereabouts…_

"This came out while we were in school, right?"

"Yep."

"Is this just an homage to the first?"

"Mostly."

"Oh, he's dead."

"Traumatized stormtrooper."

"There's the captured Rebel ship."

"The attempted gathering of intel."

"The rescue."

"Oh, he's dead."

"And there's our scruffy hero!"

"Asshole!"

"Is that the Falcon?"

"Yep."

"Chewie and Han!"

"Han's still an asshole."

"Forest planet!"

"Use the Lightsaber."

"Refusal of the call."

"Safety's on."

"Old Leia."

"Her powers are developing rather fast, aren't they?"

"Why would a stormtrooper work in sanitation?"

"Trash compactor!"

"Oh, he's dead now."

"He's not dead."

"Maybe he'll be in a real suit next time."

"What's she waiting for? Him to grab it?"

"Great, we'll have to wait two more years for another one."


End file.
